Ok. Something happened today. Something BAD.
Let me paint a nice detailed picture for you.

I wake up. I eat breakfast. I watch some more of “The Way We Were” on Hulu (yes, because of Sex and the City.)
Then I do my P90X, sweat, eat a handful of nuts, change clothes, before heading into the kitchen to prepare not only my dinner but my lunch.

So, because it’s 80 degrees (with the AC on), I’m making my dinners for the work week in my bra and underwear. Don’t judge, you’d do it too. And nobody is home during the day because they have real people jobs and the blinds are drawn so IT’S ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD.

I take out some fish, planning to pan fry ‘em. And I try to figure out what my veggie is gonna be. I have some left over snap peas, so I throw those in the steamer. Thought, hey, let’s add some broccoli to that, so I got it out of the fridge and grab a cutting board and the chef knife. and start to cut up the broccoli.
Get one head of broccoli cut up and reach for the second.
Somewhere in the middle of cutting the second piece of broccoli, the knife slipped out of my hand and fell to the ground.

Directly where my uncovered toes were.

I jumped back, and felt a pain, figured the knife handle just hit my foot and bounced off.
Looked down and BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!

Somehow, the second toe in on my right food got CUT THE FUCK UP.
There is an inch long gash, WHO KNOWS HOW DEEP, directly to the left of the toenail.
I freaked the fuck out, grabbed a paper towel, and just started applying as much pressure as I could. I got blood all over my hands and it was dripping on the floor as I hopped on my good leg towards the bedroom which has a wheely chair as well as the internet.

I frantically type with one hand to my boyfriend who of course is away from his desk at work. I hop to my phone and leave him a crazy person message:

“HONEY! I DROPPED A KNIFE AND MY TOE IS BLEEDING AND I THINK I MIGHT NEED STITCHES AND IT’S BLEEDING SO MUCH AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND YOU NEED TO CALL ME BACK AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS AND I NEED BANDAGES AND HOW AM I GOING TO GET TO WORK AND OMG CALL ME BYE!”

The next step, naturally, is WebMD. “How to know when you need stitches?”
Believe me, there is no simple answer. Why have a website with MD in the name and not have actual doctor advice? C’mon, this is America, I want my medical help free of charge and on the internet!

Finally, I called my boyfriend’s work directly and made someone get him. The minute he picked up I started bawling my eyes out so that he had no idea what was wrong with me besides I was bleeding and in pain and I’d hurt myself. He left work, hit up the walgreens, and got home by bike in record fucking time. I could literally hear him RUNNING up the stairs. Little did he know, I was alive and dandy with one tiny bloody toe.

Thankfully, he helped me out, squirted some Bactine on it (HOLY BURNING BATMAN) and helped me put two butterfly bandages, gauze and tape around the whole toe. Because I’m a dumbass, I was more concerned with finishing cooking and getting to work on time. So I actually CLEANED THE KNIFE and finished cutting the broccoli. Still SANS SHOES, since I didn’t want to shove my semi-swollen, painful toe into a shoe. I finished the meal, packed my bag and hit the road. ON MY BIKE.

Now I’m here at work, with one shoe off and my foot resting on a spare chair. I’ve basically bled through these bandages but in my haste to simply make it to work on time, I didn’t bring any more bandages. And I’m tired as hell from the adrenaline rush and maybe from the blood loss (seriously.)
I also barely ate lunch since most of my lunch-making time was spent laying in bed, holding onto my foot and crying. And now I’m worried that I should have went to the hospital because, omg, what if I lose feeling in the toe? Then I realized, it’s hurt pretty damn bad so OBVIOUSLY, I got feeling.

And if life isn’t ironic enough as it is, last night I went to karaoke and the second song I tried to sing (and failed pretty horribly) was “Stitches” by Orgy.